Chapter 3: Wooing a Stoic Golden Boy

And so, I survived. For now.

Nathaniel’s skin was fair and smooth—not a bad place to hang out.

There was always a faint scent at the corner of his lips, really pleasant. Not complaining.

Honestly, I didn’t mind living on his face for thirty days. Could be worse.

But how could I make him fall in love with me? That’s the real challenge.

I racked my brains but couldn’t come up with a way. Think, think, think.

I’d heard men like flattery, so I praised Nathaniel three hundred times a day. Worth a shot.

I used every brown-nosing move I’d ever learned.

Nathaniel: “I’m sick of flattery. Can’t you say something useful?” Tough crowd.

Me: “...”

I’d heard men like sweet, compliant girls, so I did everything Nathaniel said. Let’s see if this works.

When he told me to shut up, I’d obediently do so—after squeezing in three more sentences.

Nathaniel: “Next time, remember to shut up faster.” Oof.

I didn’t dare say more, just replied, “Mm, mm.” Message received.

I’d heard men like partners who can run a household and cook, so I helped Nathaniel keep track of important things every day and recited recipes in every possible way. Multi-talented, right?

Nathaniel: “Your memory is worse than mine. What use are you?” Brutal.

Me: “...”

Ah, this guy is the coldest, most solitary, most unromantic, most boring kind of stoic straight guy alive—completely impossible to flirt with.

What could I do? Just spoil him, I guess. Worth a try.

But he is a little repressed and seems to like hearing jokes. Finally, a weakness.

“I, I, I—” If I had hands and feet, I’d definitely be waving all four in the air to volunteer.

“I’m best at telling jokes. I can tell you one every day.” Prepare yourself.

Me: “Once upon a time, there was a wife who was both powerful and clever. Every time her husband said he wanted to get a girlfriend on the side, she’d reply, ‘You can barely pay the mortgage—how can you afford another woman? If you have money, I’ll listen to you.’ So the husband borrowed money from his friends and said to his wife, ‘Here’s the cash, please let me date someone else!’ The wife put the money into her own purse, knelt down, and said, ‘Now I’m willing to be the other woman—this money can buy me.’ Husband: ‘...’” (Okay, maybe the punchline’s a stretch, but I tried.)

I cracked up.

Nathaniel’s face stayed blank: “...Not funny.” Tough crowd.

Me: “Once upon a time, there was a guy named Lou who was great at telling jokes. Next door lived a woman who never smiled. His friend told him, ‘If you can say something to make that woman laugh, and something else to make her yell at you, I’ll buy you dinner.’ One day, the woman was standing at her door, with a dog lying in front. Lou knelt before the dog and said, ‘Dad!’ The woman saw it and couldn’t help but laugh. Then Lou looked up at the woman and called out, ‘Mom!’ The woman got furious and started cursing.” (Okay, not my best, but it’s got a punch.)

I snickered.

Nathaniel’s expressionless face: “Mm, that one’s pretty good.” Progress!

Me: “Once upon a time...” Let’s keep this going.

I slowly discovered that Nathaniel actually liked slightly edgy jokes. Noted.

That’s my specialty—I could go on forever.

To make the guy happy, I told him jokes every day. Comedy queen.

Nathaniel was very busy during the day. Only at night, after coming home, would he lie in bed and listen to me. Our little routine.

Sometimes he’d get so absorbed that he’d unconsciously poke me with his finger, treating me as a toy. Weird, but cute.

The room would be dim and quiet, the only sound the ticking of the old clock on the wall and Nathaniel’s slow breathing as he listened, sometimes with the faintest of smiles tugging at his lips.

I shamelessly teased him: “Ah, don’t touch my butt.” Gotta keep it spicy.

Nathaniel’s hand trembled. He picked up a mirror and asked me, “Where do you have a butt?” Fair question.

Me: “Ah, the place you just touched.” Obviously.

Nathaniel: “...”

After that, he didn’t dare touch me randomly anymore. Mission accomplished.

I shamelessly teased him again, “Ah, I think I’ve shrunk.” Let’s see how he reacts.

Nathaniel checked in the mirror, didn’t see any difference, so he pinched me and asked, “Where did you shrink?” Curious, aren’t we?

Me: “Ah, of course my chest shrank. Didn’t you feel it?” Got him.

Nathaniel’s hand trembled again, and he quickly let go of me. Too easy.

Me: “Hahaha—” I’m hilarious.

I have a flaw: I get carried away when I’m proud. Sue me.

Nathaniel glared at me, then suddenly pinched me hard. Uh-oh.

He pulled me up and down, left and right, making me scream in pain. Lesson learned.

“If you dare talk to me like that again, I’ll pull you off—” Nathaniel threatened. Yikes.

Even he got goosebumps. Didn’t mean to freak him out.

“I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, okay?” Even though I have a nasty streak, I admit my mistakes quickly. No need to push my luck.

A wise person doesn’t invite trouble. I know when to back off.

I found that Nathaniel is extremely self-disciplined; he’s almost twenty, but doesn’t even have a girlfriend. (Not even a secret one.)

I asked him, “Hey, you don’t date or hook up—don’t you feel lonely at night?” Just curious.

He barely looked up from his book, totally absorbed, and absentmindedly replied:

“Dating’s about finding a partner who’s got your back. Being with someone means finding the right vibe. Whether it’s dating or marrying, it has to feel right to me.” (Dude, you sound like a self-help podcast.)

He said it so matter-of-factly, like he was reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, not talking about love. I swear, this guy’s heart is locked up tighter than Fort Knox.

Me: “So, you haven’t found anyone you like yet? Then what kind of person do you like?” Let’s see those standards.

Nathaniel put down the book, thought for a while, and slowly said: “A little beauty, a little attitude, a little liveliness, a little brains, a little learning...” Here we go.

Me: “...So, a little of everything, but nothing can be missing? Your standards are really...”

Ridiculously high!

I shamelessly teased him again: “Hey, if I were a girl, would you like me?” Just testing the waters.

Nathaniel’s hand trembled again, and he rolled his eyes at me. Guess not.

He probably thought it was a completely absurd question. Fair.

“You’re just a birthmark.” In the end, he reminded me mercilessly. Ouch.

I instantly deflated. Back to reality.