Chapter 1: Rain No Fit Wash Am Clean

I loved Ifedike for a whole ten years.

All that time, my heart no ever rest. Anything wey he do, I go dey watch am, dey pray say today fit be the day wey he go look my side different. Ten years waka pass, slow like say na small pikin dey count beans for ground, but my love just dey stretch, long like okro soup. Sometimes e sweet, sometimes e pain, but I dey hold am for chest like mama dey guard soup pot from hungry pikin.

Ifedike always dey far, but him mouth never talk say he no go marry me.

Sometimes e be like say breeze don carry him mind go another place. But e never use mouth talk say he no want marry me. That small thing dey make my hope dey shine like candle for NEPA night. People for house go talk say as long as he no talk no, e mean yes.

I think say that one mean say he gree too.

I no go lie, I dey deceive myself that year. My mind dey always whisper, ‘Ngozi, e go better.’ Every silent agreement, I dey count am as win. The way e dey look ground when dem call my name, I dey take am as sign. Foolish hope—but who go blame love?

Until the day wey heavy rain beat me, just because I wan give am ulcer medicine.

That day, rain flog me like Ogun dey pursue me. But my mind no shift—If Ifedike no take that medicine, wahala fit land. My mama spirit dey follow me; she for say, ‘Ngozi, e no dey hard to do good.’ I carry myself, forget rain, forget cold, go find am.

Na so I jam Simi, one babe from partner company, wey dey try force am drink.

Her laugh loud, hand soft for Ifedike arm. She dey shine teeth, dey beg am sip small. Rain no even touch her cloth, she just dey pose like madam. Me, water dey drip from my hair, but I no send. My mind just dey for Ifedike health.

I waka go front, try stop her, but Ifedike just look me with disgust.

My hand dey shake, the medicine dey cold for my palm, but I no fit drop am. I waka, try block Simi hand, but Ifedike eye cold, e cut me like knife. The way e look me—disgust, as if my presence dey vex am pass mosquito.

"So na you wan claim madam for Ifedike house? Abeg, shift."

If dem cut my ear that time, I no go feel am. E talk am with all him chest, like say I be stranger, not the girl wey dey wait for am all these years. My leg dey shake, but I no let tears fall.

"Always dey put mouth for wetin no concern you."

E no even pity say I dey drip water everywhere or say my hand dey shake. E voice loud pass the music for bar, everybody turn face. If na another person, dem for say e too harsh. But for Ifedike, na normal.

Inside the noisy bar, my tears and rain mix as dem drop.

No be say I never cry before, but this one heavy for soul. The wahala inside me and the wahala outside just mix, turn to one big thing I no fit swallow. Rain and tears dey my face—no difference. Even my voice no fit come out, na just sob, small-small, wey nobody hear.

Ifedike, from today, your matter no concern me again.

I swear for myself inside heart—no be curse, but deliverance. I use the pain wey dey inside me take cut that string. I tell myself, ‘Ngozi, you don try. E don do.’ My chest light small, like after big cry.

Light and shadow scatter for the bar.

The bulb for bar dey blink, cast yellow shadow for everybody face. The place smell like old beer and new perfume. I dey waka slow, the noise dey my ear like generator wey no wan stop. My body dey drag, my spirit just dey float like feather.

Na so my hand just dey shake, ulcer medicine nearly fall from my grip. I dey freeze inside, outside, everywhere. Even my slippers dey wet, e dey clap for ground as I waka enter.

People dey shine eye, dey gossip with mouth wey no dey move. Some dey pity me, some dey laugh me for mind. But na Ifedike face pain me pass. As e dey look me like say I be fly wey enter him soup, I know say nothing I fit do go change wetin dey for him mind.

Since secondary school, na me dey remind am. Ulcer fit catch am anytime, but if he take medicine, e go rest. Na why I dey worry; if wahala start, na me dem go blame.

I call am tire just now, but he no pick. I come dey find who go tell me where today’s hangout dey.

E no dey pick call, no dey reply message. I rush commot, dey ask him friend for group chat, dey beg make dem talk where dem dey. Na so I finally trace the place, even though my belle dey turn.

Before I fit reach, rain just start like say Naija sky dey vex. Thunder dey shout, my umbrella no even survive. I hold medicine for armpit, dey run small small like say I be thief.

Makurdi hold up na wahala. Everywhere full, nobody dey help anybody. I dey drag leg, dey curse Google small for mind, dey ask why my luck bad reach like this.

If to say I no care, I for wait. But my mind no gree rest. I dash inside rain, medicine dey my hand, prayer for my mouth say make I reach on time.

Simi dey laugh, her voice sweet like overripe mango. She rest head for Ifedike shoulder, dey use small spoon dey feed am wine. People dey look, dey smile. Nobody reason say e bad. Na me dey outside the circle, dey freeze for rain.

Ifedike na person wey dey always dodge touch. Even handshake, e dey bone. But today, Simi dey touch am anyhow, e no even shake body. Something don change, or maybe na me never see clear since.

I see the thing. Wine glass dey Ifedike mouth, Simi hand steady. E be like movie, na only me no get script.

E pain me deep. If to say na stranger, I for laugh. But this one too close, e cut like knife.

I wan vex, but I remember as pain dey hold Ifedike belle, the way e dey curl for bed. Na that picture dey my mind, so I swallow vex, hold medicine tight.

I just shout,

"He no suppose drink."

My voice cut through the noise like police siren. Everybody pause, look our side. Simi hand freeze, wine dey drop small small for table.

Everywhere quiet one time.

If pin drop, everybody for hear. Na me and my voice dey hang for air. Shame begin creep for my body.

I check my shoe, na mud and water dey everywhere. My cloth stick for my skin, my hair scatter. If to say my mama see me, e for pity me.

I for wish say I disappear. People dey look, some dey whisper. My eye dey red, but I gree stand.

But the shame no even reach as Ifedike open mouth talk.

He just relax for sofa, click him tongue:

"So na you wan claim madam for Ifedike house? Abeg, shift."

He repeat am, but louder. People for there begin understand say I no be just any girl—na me dem dey call fiancée.

He carry hand wave me off, like say I be fly. Even Simi look me with small pity, but still dey hold Ifedike.

He swallow the whiskey sharp sharp, like say my warning dey make am stubborn. Everybody just dey look.

My mouth open, but my tongue heavy. I wan talk, but no sound dey come out. I just dey there, dey drag breath.

I tell myself say make I no disgrace myself join. I bite my lip, dey force the tears inside. My chest dey burn.

Everybody act busy, dem begin check phone, dey talk to demself. Nobody wan enter wahala.

Nobody wan collect my misfortune. Dem waka pass my back, dey avoid me like say I get bad belle.

One soft voice reach me. Girl wey I no sabi pass me towel, small smile for her face. My hand shake as I collect.

Her friend just hiss, eye roll, drag her for wrist, like say she dey do over sabi.

The friend talk am loud, like warning. I for thank the girl, but I just nod small.

My body cold, water still dey run for my back. My mind dey blank, na only my hand dey squeeze the towel.

As I stand there, everything just dey play for my mind. All the years wey I dey try, dey beg, dey hope. I remember small smiles, times wey Ifedike allow me near.

E be like film wey just clear for my eye. Na pity, na arrangement, no be love. He no care, na me dey fight one-sided battle.

He no send anything. E no care about wetin old people agree. Na just say make everybody dey happy.

No be say I no try, but he no see me as person. For him mind, I just dey take space.

People don call me house girl, say I dey use jazz. Ifedike never defend me, he go just dey look ground.

Every small care, every small reminder, na disturbance for him. E no ever see am as love, na wahala.

My heart dey boil, my eye red, but I force myself calm. I tell myself say I no go cry for here again. Wetin I get left? Only my small dignity.

I wipe my face, arrange my cloth. I drop the medicine for table, no talk anything. Let them do as dem like.

I look am—long look, as if I dey say goodbye for my own mind. He no look back. But I go remember this day forever.

I push the door, cold breeze slap me. I waka for rain, this time I no run. Rain dey wash my face, but my heart dey free, like say I just drop big load. For the first time, I no dey carry Ifedike matter for chest.