Chapter 3: Two for the Price of Wahala

Before I fit react, both don follow me enter house.

As dem enter, I feel like say my house get new life. The air just dey sweet, even mosquito disappear.

White-ear succubus sit for sofa, dey look me with that gentle smile, like say e dey hide one small secret.

The way e cross leg, you go think say na oga for office. E calm, e gentle, e dey read me with soft eye.

The other one... na the black-ear succubus: skin like wheat, hair curl anyhow, face sharp, eyebrow thick, eye big, jet-black like hawk, e just dey wild.

E dey move up and down, dey peep window, dey sniff chair, even dey open fridge. E be like person wey just land Lagos from village, dey try understand environment.

Since e enter, e no gree stay one place, just dey waka round the house like say e dey check territory.

I even dey fear say e go scatter something. I just dey use eye follow am. My heart dey beat small small.

I finally remember to message the shop.

Na so I press phone, type sharp sharp before e late.

Me: "Hello, you dey?"

My thumb dey shake as I dey wait reply. I dey hope say dem go talk say na error.

Customer service: "Product show as signed. Any wahala, dear?"

E shock me say dem dey online 24/7. E be like say dem use juju for customer support.

I tell dem say I receive two succubus.

I attach video. "Abeg, na two una deliver, but I order only one. Na mistake?"

Customer service: "Congrats o, you don unlock awoof package—hidden edition!"

The reply get love emoji. I just dey squeeze face.

Me: ...

I dey wait make dem explain. I no even know whether to vex or to laugh.

Customer service: "Sweetie, this model special—buy one, get one free~"

I just carry hand for head. Na so I reason say, Lagos awoof don reach spiritual level. I dey suspect something still dey hide.

Na so awoof dey?

This one pass all the Jumia flash sale wey I don see before.

Two for the price of one, and the discount still mad?

For Naija, once dem start to dash you bonus, better check if e get small print. I dey fear make dem no carry me go village for midnight.

I purse my lips, look the white-ear succubus wey dey play with phone, then the dark-skinned one wey still dey sniff everywhere. "I fit return one?" Honestly, I no sure say I fit handle the dark one.

I try form hard babe, but my mind dey reason, if wahala start, who go help me?

"I no get money for two."

I dey calculate feeding. Na Lagos life, even bread don cost. Two spiritual beings na investment.

Customer service: "Darling, succubus no be like puppy wey you go dey feed anyhow. Our own na special training, dem fit survive on their own. Just dey feed dem, dem go help solve your wahala and share your burden~"

"System show say you don sign for two succubus, and the free gift don deliver. No return, abeg~"

The reply long, full of sweet talk. I just weak. E be like MTN data plan—once you activate, e no dey reverse.

No matter wetin I talk, dem no gree collect one back, so I just gree.

I just sigh, hold myself. I talk for mind, Ifeoma, you don enter. No going back.

No wahala, if I fit raise one, I fit raise two.

I dey tell myself, "Babe, you go survive. E no go kill you."

Plus, two for the price of one—no matter how I look am, na gain.

I dey shine teeth, dey count my blessings. E sweet me small, even as I dey fear.

I just dey tell myself say I hammer. As my mind adjust, I look both of them again.

I rub hand for my chest, dey thank God say at least dem fine, no be spiritual masquerade dem send.

I no know wetin to call them, so I just say, "Come, come, come."

For Naija, if you call pikin or dog, dem dey answer sharp. I wan see if dem go listen.

White-ear drop phone, answer sharp: "Madam, my name na Timi."

The way e pronounce am, I fit hear small smile for e voice. E even bow small.

The dark-skinned one waka come, face squeeze: "Wetin?"

E voice deep, like thunder. I just dey nod, dey hold laugh.

Timi introduce am, "Madam, na Kelechi be this."

The name fit the body well. Kelechi strong, Timi gentle. E be like day and night.

Timi, Kelechi—na perfect names. One white, one black; everything about them just opposite.

I dey thank God say at least dem no bring spirit with strange name like Lucifer or Hades. Na Naija correct name dem get.

I nod, introduce myself: "I be Ifeoma."

"From today, here na your house."

I open my arm like mama wey welcome in-law. I dey feel the family spirit.

The shop talk about free gift. I ask, "Wetin be the gift? You sabi?"

I dey expect better thing—maybe free food for one week. Na so I see Kelechi hiss, face away like say I offend am. E hiss, face one side, like Lagos bus conductor wey dem underpay.

Tsk, this one get wahala.

I dey reason say maybe I go fit bribe am later with small biscuit.

I look Timi. The guy just dey patient. He bring out the gift from pocket—leash and collar, as I request.

The way e package am, e even show me how to wear am. E gentle, e soft.

Under my eye, Timi put the fine white collar for him own neck.

The thing fine like designer choker. My body dey do one kind.

He hand me the other end. "Madam."

The respect wey e give me, e sweet me. E be like say I be queen.

Him white pointed ear dey shake, heart-shape tail dey wag, e come dey more attractive.

I no fit lie, my eye dey look am up and down. Na so succubus suppose be.

Succubus true true—dem sabi charm person.

E be like say dem use small jazz. My heart dey cut small small.

I swallow, pull the leash small. "You wan go outside play?"

E smile, nod. E dey ready to follow me reach anywhere.

"Anything you want, I go do."

The confidence for e voice be like say e dey ready to wash plate, sweep house, anything.

Kelechi hiss, "Collar na for dog, no be—"

Kelechi eye just dey red, e no send anybody. I dey laugh for mind—this one dey form hard man.

Five minutes later, I dey hold two leash. White one for Timi, pink one for Kelechi.

E shock me how Kelechi gree wear am at last. Maybe pride no dey let am surrender.

The pink for him wheat skin get one kind vibe I no fit explain.

E fine, but the combo dey wild. I dey imagine my neighbor see us now.

Kelechi face squeeze, eye red, e wear the collar by himself but dey act like say dem force am.

E stubborn, but I sabi say na just small play.

This one get real temper. I go need extra time to calm Kelechi down.

I dey plot for mind: maybe tomorrow, I go use small indomie buy am.

To carry two tall guys waka for street with leash, abeg, na wahala. "Make we just play for house."

I dey imagine if I carry dem go street now, person fit record us. Na so we go trend for Instagram and Twitter.

I no wan see myself for Instablog tomorrow.

For this Lagos, na small thing dey make news. I nor fit do that kind embarrassment.

After I waka them round the house for like thirty minutes, I check time, remove the leash.

My leg dey pain me, sweat dey my forehead. E be like say I run marathon.

Timi look me, eye dey wonder, tail curl around my leg. "Madam, na only this one for today?"

The soft voice just dey enter body. E look me like small pikin wey want more sweet.

Ah, this one need attention o.

I dey laugh, rub e head. "Abeg, rest. Tomorrow we go play again. Food first."

I pat him head. "We go play tomorrow again. First, make we chop."

E smile, tail still dey wag. My heart dey soft.

Chop well, then you go help me warm bed.

I dey whisper for mind. Food go give dem energy.

Timi tea-colour eye dark small. I no too understand, I just run go kitchen to cook.

I dey reason say maybe e dey hungry. I no wan wahala.

I just carry foodstuff from fridge, I remember say I no dey alone again—two fresh succubus dey house.

I dey arrange food, dey check fridge for leftover. I dey fear make I no go serve them cold eba.

I come out, wan ask if dem get anything dem no dey chop, na so I see Timi don remove shirt. Under that fair skin, muscle just dey show.

I shock. I dey imagine say e go be like teddy bear, but e get muscle like gym instructor.

I think say Timi go dey soft, but the guy get better body.

I dey use side eye dey check. This one na correct catch.

E even dey try make Kelechi remove shirt too.

I dey laugh small. E dey act like big brother.

Kelechi bend neck, hair stand. "I no dey serve anybody. Even dog no dey naked."

Kelechi stubbornness no get part two. I dey shake head.

I shock. "Wetin una dey do?"

I dey suspect dem want start spiritual ritual for my kitchen. My house no go contain fire and brimstone.

As I talk, the same Kelechi wey dey form hard man just freeze, but him tail stand straight.

For small second, e face soft. I dey peep for hope.

E yank shirt off with vex, dey mumble, "Make we finish this thing."

As e fling shirt, e face change. Pride dey, but small shyness dey hide for back.

Kelechi different from Timi. Even with cloth, muscle dey show; without shirt, e strong, body just dey burst.

Na so I dey reason, this one fit break coconut with e hand. I dey thank God say e dey my side.

Finish wetin?

I confuse.

I dey peep, dey wonder if na food or another ritual.

Timi ask gently, "Madam, you no go chop?"

E voice dey soft. I feel like say e dey beg me.

Me: "I go chop... You want tomato and egg stew or egg and tomato stew?"

Na so I throw small joke, make dem relax. Na only Naija house person go dey argue stew arrangement.

Kelechi pause, face change, vex dey mix with shame. "I remove shirt, na food you dey ask?"

E shock as I sideline the drama. I dey laugh small small.

Timi see the two tomato for my hand, understand.

Timi get sense. E dey quick pick signal.

He smile, gentle. "I almost forget—na so human dey chop."

E dey learn, e dey adjust. I like that one.

Otherwise, how? If you no chop when you hungry, you go dey swallow air?

I dey explain, make dem no think say I be ogbanje.

Timi get sense. E collect tomato from me, talk softly, "Madam, abeg wait outside. Make I cook. Me and Kelechi no get wahala for food."

E dey do like Yoruba wife. My heart dey melt as e dey arrange kitchen.

For this harmattan weather, na only apron e wear.

The sight funny me. Apron na only thing for body, muscle dey show, kitchen dey hot.

I ask, "You no dey cold?"

For my mind, I dey worry say e go catch flu. But e just dey smile.

Timi hand fine, e clean—just to watch am dey wash vegetable dey sweet me.

E dey chop onion, dey slice tomato like chef. I swallow hard—this one no be ordinary chef, na temptation.

He talk, "As long as Madam like to watch, I dey okay."

E dey flirt, small small. My face dey warm.

Na play talk be that. I touch the tail wey dey wag.

The tail soft, I squeeze am small. E no complain, e just dey smile.

Heh, no be only watch I like—I like to touch too.

I dey reason say I don buy correct package.

No wonder I choose this succubus. Na my spec.

True, I dey thank my instinct for picking well. My eye sharp that day.

Timi sabi cook. Less than thirty minutes, three food and one soup land, aroma just dey everywhere.

I dey swallow saliva, dey praise him handiwork. The kitchen smell like Christmas eve.

"Madam, abeg chop."

E serve me like queen. I dey blush, dey nod.

I call them make dem chop too.

I dey act like proper aunty, no be every time na only me go chop. Everybody must enjoy.

Since I start to live alone for work, I hardly dey chop correct food.

For Lagos, na fast food be life. I dey reason say these ones fit change my eating habit.

Everyday na either mama put or noodles; vegetable for fridge dey always spoil.

If no be today, I no sure say the tomato for fridge go see sunlight again. Looks like to buy succubus na correct move.

I dey reason, even if dem no warm bed, dem sabi housework.

I think say na only bed dem fit warm, but dem sabi cook join.

Two in one. Omo, awoof dey sweet die.

I remember that WhatsApp person wey talk, "As long as you dey feed your succubus, anything you want, e go do."

For my mind, I dey confirm say na true. E be like say dem no lie at all.

I dey put food for Timi bowl. "Chop more. Chop well, then later come warm my bed."

I dey wink small. Na play talk, but e catch the message.

Timi smile. "Okay, Madam."

E voice dey soft, e dey nod like good pikin.

Kelechi just dey look me and Timi dey flow, e hiss for one side.

E dey form hard guy, but I know say e like the food.