Chapter 1: Awoof Wey Shock

I buy succubus online, but when delivery reach my door, na two dem bring.

As I open the door see two of them, I nearly shout, "Wetin be this?"

I rub my eye. Two? For this economy?

The first one come dey behave gentle gentle, like say na pastor pikin. The other one just dey carry face, eye dey roll, like say na area boy dem package join the order. I just weak. For my mind I dey calculate, this kind awoof e get as e be.

One gentle and obedient, the other one get wahala for body.

As I stand for corridor, the wahala one dey size me up, e chest dey rise as if na arm wrestling e come do. The gentle one just dey smile, make small bow as e hand reach to touch mine. For Naija, na so you go know who dey carry home training for body. I just dey look both of them, dey reason say which kind package be this?

I come ask customer service if dem send the wrong one; after all, na only the gentle and obedient type I order.

I even snap picture, send dem for WhatsApp, write: "Abeg o, na so una dey run business? I talk say na one I wan, gentle, una bring two—one get attitude join. Wetin dey sup?"

Customer service: "Congrats o, you don unlock awoof package—hidden edition!"

"Sweetie, this model special—buy one, get one free~"

The response shock me. I even check the message twice, dey wonder if na me no sabi read well. Hidden edition? Buy one get one free for spiritual entity? Chai, awoof dey run belle o.

Abeg, e get free lunch for this life?

For Naija, everybody sabi say awoof dey purge belle. I just dey shake my head—if e too good, make you check well, shey you fit pay the price later?

People dey talk say to raise succubus na like to raise puppy, but e even better—succubi sabi warm bed pass dog and dem no dey even shed hair. So if I wan raise one, wetin be the difference if I raise two?

I imagine my mama face if she hear say I buy two spiritual beings online. But true true, dem no dey bark, dem no dey scatter pot for midnight, and dem sabi warm body. Even mosquitoes no go near again. I dey reason say, as I don carry one, wetin be small extra load? Two dey warm pass one for harmattan.

Two for the price of one—omo, na awoof be that!

My chest just dey sweet me, but I still dey reason the wahala wey fit follow. In Naija, awoof dey always come with small headache, but who I be? I dey ginger myself say I go handle am, I be correct babe.

Na so I feed both of them finish, before I know, I dey sandwiched between them like cream inside biscuit. Na that time e enter my head say, this 'warming the bed' na serious work.

E shock me. As I lie down, dem two just dey press me from both sides, body dey hot like new yam. I come dey sweat under my wrapper, dey beg small breeze to blow. Na so I realize—two for bed no be small work. Hope say my village people no go visit tonight.